Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again!
A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly.
What business do we have telling people who to vote for? They probably know more about it than we do.